Spid Pye aka Warren Pye aka The Seagull aka The Onehunga Neighbour from hell has taken the 2018 Open tourney with a commanding performance in the face of sleep deprivation, alcohol poisoning and general high levels of fuckery.
Friday at Ngaruawahia GC turned into a tsunami of stabies. 3 players scoring 40+ stabies demonstrated how accurate the boys are becoming at ensuring their handicaps bare no resemblance to their actual playing ability. Not since the slaughter at Wairakei have we seen a more suspicious haul.
Saturday the rains arrived and the boys took to the Cambridge course with less refined skills with the exception of Marty who monstered the situation to pull in 40 stabies in the rain.
Sunday was hard. Following the arrival of Benjamin Pegler, a National Party fundraiser from Remuera, and his mate Scott Baio, the boys were up late, very late. Controversially the Seagull woke everyone up an hour earlier than necessary, so started the ambush on his desperate path to victory. There was a cacophony of fucks and cunts as everyone realised that playing golf on 4 hours sleep and still half pissed is not ideal strategy.
The Waihitians formed a splinter group and deserted the pack for breakfast. Raysan tripled his monthly number of shits in a two hour poonami that is still compromising the air quality around East Cambridge. Peter Tai was so pale any evidence of Tangata Whenua in his blood vanished in favour of a grey palour.
Enter the 1st Tee at Lochiel and the final big day started. The first group away powered into their work trying to ensure they would not win the most dubious honour, the Dildo Baggins award for golf shitness. With 3 holes to go the Dildo award was still up in the air, major lows were being found to keep things competitive before Adi descended to a state of perfect shitness to take the award with commanding shabbiness.
In the main group the Seagull made his move. There was nothing that could be done to stop him. Hats off to Spid for being able to play golf in that state because fucked if anyone else could.
Wall of Shame
The Pampers award for nearly shitting his pants on course goes to ..... Adi. Who else???
The Trick shot award for somehow managing to be further from the Tee after taking his tee shot goes to .... Smith
The 'look at those Bike Cunts award goes to ... Adi
The 'how the fuck did I get that drunk award' having drunk enough to get that drunk goes to ... Marty
The 'you can have any music you want to listen to as long as its goes doof doof award' goes to ... Conrad
The Tinder award for having your shirt not quite buttoned up enough award goes to ..... Smith
The Purex award for huge consumption on the shitter goes to .... Raysan
The 'who came second, who came 5th... etc... award' for things no one gives a fuck about goes to ... Conrad
The 'I know how to fuck them up by waking them up an hour earlier than necessary award so that I can win this tournament goes to ..... Spid
The 'boys, I had no idea I would not have to pay green fees at any of these courses award goes to... Spid.
Finally, well organised Spid, was a great weekend and well played too brother.
