Smith aka Mike Williams aka The Fuhrer of Whangamata, a Tinder and national boundary expert, has posted a tournament record of 87 stabies for 2 rounds of golf to smash the field and claim his first ever victory in the Open held at the Dunes at Matarangi. Never in the history of tourney's has anyone gone north of 50 stables but Smith monstered this milestone and claimed 52 points on his first round, in damp and occasional rainy conditions, no way, yes fucking way. In a weekend where the legitimacy of handicaps was called into question, the member from Whangamata dropped the proverbial nuclear bomb on the proceedings.
Second in the field was Shane Rush, a bull scrotum embalmer from the Waihitian triangle, and the first ever member from the illustrious and famous Royal Flexiclub. 3rd across the line was Grant, a late breeding superstar from the Ohope district who despite playing off a 5 year old handicap that was not in his favour delivered a very solid result.
But that's not where the excitement finished. Conrad Armstrong, a man with no fear of wearing his summer pyjamas on course hit the shot of the century. In what must be one of New Zealand's most picturesque Par 3's, the 11th at the Dunes, Conrad not only Holes in One, but he does so in the fashion of champions, his tee-shot pitches a foot behind the cup and with the kind of backspin associated with the legends of golf, his ball powers back into the hole. Fuck yeah. Congratulations Conrad, the first in any of the boys tourneys to produce the ultimate shot.
So far so fucking great I hear you say and so you should. But things were about to get a tad weirder..
In my day if you wanted to get the attention of someone of the opposite sex you might go to the pub and buy her a drink, you might hang around looking interested, you might say show us your tits if you were bladdered and out of your mind, there were many approaches depending how insane or smart you were, you've heard it all you thought, until you went to Taste of Matarangi and witnessed a mating call like no other ever seen before. Yes people, sending a downs syndrome kid with your phone number written inside a bag of sausages is a thing. Clearly the sausage lady of Waiheke is operating off a different strategy than the Tinder masses, you have to admire her creativity, but seriously..... the fuck.
Saturday night found us back at the Golf Club for dinner where possibly the 2 most drunken women in Matarangi were waiting to weird out the evening. Apart from being shabby they clearly rubbed off on the Fuhrer who proceeded to next level his own campaign. Victory on the course was backed up by a command performance of things that can go wrong with a chicken, a dwarf, a bbq, a chair, well some of those things. Last seen scratching on the front door after everyone else went to bed, Bob didn't know whether to let him in or throw him a tux...
But despite this, and the Shane Rush late comeback, nothing could take anything away from Smith who would not be denied and took home the Tourney in compelling fashion.
Wall of Shame(less)
The Mad Butcher award for things you can do with Sausages no one had ever heard before goes to - the Waiheke sausage chick.
The 52 stabie award for getting 52 stables goes to - The Fuhrer
The Hole in One award for getting a Hole in One goes to - Conrad
The Begbie award for attacking an outdoor cooking device for looking at you the wrong way goes to - The Fuhrer
The Dildo Baggins award for shiteness of golf goes to - Darcy
Thats it folks, see you at the HIO.
